I almost expect this girl to post a video bitching about how obvious this no. 1 pick is, but I bet she is too busy bludgeoning a baby seal somewhere to take the time to do it.
1. Ohio State: Yeah the Buckeyes are loaded, but they are not unbeatable. They are going to have to avoid slip ups at Iowa or Wisconsin to ensure that they have the tie breaker for the Big Ten's automatic bowl bid, otherwise either team could pass them with a few breaks.
You see what I did there? Bird is the word......Hawkeyes at no. 2? Fuck you.
2. Iowa: I just don't see the Badgers beating Iowa in Kinnick which means the Hawkeyes will have to either lose more than two games or the Badgers will only lose once this season. The Hawks have the most favorable conference slate of the top three teams, facing the best conference teams at home.
I would say this season will drive Wisconsin fans to drink, but what doesn't drive Wisconsin fans to drink?
3. Wisconsin: If there is one team in conference that has the best shot at beating Ohio State in a game, it's Wisconsin. The Badgers are extremely experienced and I think their defense is going to be a little better than people expect. However, as I mentioned before, I don't see them beating Iowa. Which means that unless the Hawkeyes or Buckeyes go into a free fall, Badger fans might want to just start booking tickets for the Capital One Bowl.
Fun drinking game, watch this and drink every time you see someone who plays football for Michigan State.
4. Michigan State: The Spartans got into some trouble with Johnny Law last season but it should not overshadow the talent that is on this team. This Spartans team has the best linebackers in the Big Ten, a solid defensive line, and a secondary that will be just good enough to not be a liability. If the Spartans can find a ground game to go with Kirk Cousin's arm, I think they have a shot at moving into the top three, especially considering they don't face the Buckeyes and get the Badgers at home.
Much like real Northwestern fans, these cats listen to Smash Mouth and consider themselves superior to you.
5. Northwestern: The Wildcats lose quarterback Mike Kafka but I think Dan Persa will be just fine. More troublesome is the loss of pass rusher Corey Wooten, who was the only guy on the defensive line who seemed capable of getting into an opposing teams backfield. That combined with a secondary that is going to be a little green next year could mean that the Northwestern D takes a bit of a step back. If the Wildcats can't turn Arby Fields into a decent RB they are going to fall down these rankings really fast.
Just once I want to see Joe Paterno get off the bus and do this dance.
6. Penn State: Yeah, the QB situation is that bad. Even Penn State's much regarded freshman QB still needs some work, and that is not good for the Nittany Lions who need a dynamic signal caller to fill for Clark. The offensive line still hasn't shown it can form a cohesive unit and the talent at the tackle position is questionable. The defense should be fine, but it won't be the superstar unit it was last year and it will cost the Lions some games. Combine that with a road schedule that includes trips to Alabama, Iowa, and Ohio State, and this is a Lions team that could be lucky to be 8-4.
Indiana has spent the last ten years as the team tied to the back bumper of the Big Ten and forgotten. Not anymore.
7. Indiana: The Hoosiers had the Big Ten's best passing attack statistically last year and have multiple play makers on offense who can make it even better this year. If Darius Willis can step his game up at RB this offense could be one of the best in the Big Ten. Then there's the defense. The unit isn't completely horrible, with some solid guys filling in for the big name starters who left last year, but there just isn't enough talent on D to expect the Hoosiers to finish much better than 7-5.
This is about how drunk you will have to be to enjoy watching Michigan football next year. The asshole hat is not necessary though, if you are watching the Wolverines it is kind of implied.
8. Michigan: Remember the comments about how bad Indiana's defense will be? Michigan's will be worse. The Wolverines are going to have to blitz like hell to generate any sort of pressure but they already lack so much in coverage anyway that it really doesn't matter what they try to do to defend the pass. You and ten guys could get a hundred yards rushing on the Maize and Blue defense despite a couple of solid linebackers. The rest of the Michigan defense is really that bad. The offense will be good enough to let them try and outscore some of their lesser opponents, but the Wolverines are going to get worn down easily by teams who run the ball decently.
This video is likely the most enjoyable thing that will happen for Purdue fans this season
9. Purdue: This is the second year in a row that the Boilermakers suffer huge personnel losses. Yeah, last year's team was in a lot of games and they did upset Ohio State. What gets lost from all that is the fact that they had a QB, Joey Elliot, who had been in the system for four years and was ready groomed to step in and play. They had play makers who were ready to go on defense and a running back who was ready to break out. They lost all of that this year to graduation and injury. Robert Marve is not Joey Elliot, his learning curve is far steeper and it is going to be a much rougher ride with all the losses on a defense that was mediocre at best.
Thus ended the Ron Zook era at Illinois.
1. Ohio State: Yeah the Buckeyes are loaded, but they are not unbeatable. They are going to have to avoid slip ups at Iowa or Wisconsin to ensure that they have the tie breaker for the Big Ten's automatic bowl bid, otherwise either team could pass them with a few breaks.
You see what I did there? Bird is the word......Hawkeyes at no. 2? Fuck you.
2. Iowa: I just don't see the Badgers beating Iowa in Kinnick which means the Hawkeyes will have to either lose more than two games or the Badgers will only lose once this season. The Hawks have the most favorable conference slate of the top three teams, facing the best conference teams at home.
I would say this season will drive Wisconsin fans to drink, but what doesn't drive Wisconsin fans to drink?
3. Wisconsin: If there is one team in conference that has the best shot at beating Ohio State in a game, it's Wisconsin. The Badgers are extremely experienced and I think their defense is going to be a little better than people expect. However, as I mentioned before, I don't see them beating Iowa. Which means that unless the Hawkeyes or Buckeyes go into a free fall, Badger fans might want to just start booking tickets for the Capital One Bowl.
Fun drinking game, watch this and drink every time you see someone who plays football for Michigan State.
4. Michigan State: The Spartans got into some trouble with Johnny Law last season but it should not overshadow the talent that is on this team. This Spartans team has the best linebackers in the Big Ten, a solid defensive line, and a secondary that will be just good enough to not be a liability. If the Spartans can find a ground game to go with Kirk Cousin's arm, I think they have a shot at moving into the top three, especially considering they don't face the Buckeyes and get the Badgers at home.
Much like real Northwestern fans, these cats listen to Smash Mouth and consider themselves superior to you.
5. Northwestern: The Wildcats lose quarterback Mike Kafka but I think Dan Persa will be just fine. More troublesome is the loss of pass rusher Corey Wooten, who was the only guy on the defensive line who seemed capable of getting into an opposing teams backfield. That combined with a secondary that is going to be a little green next year could mean that the Northwestern D takes a bit of a step back. If the Wildcats can't turn Arby Fields into a decent RB they are going to fall down these rankings really fast.
Just once I want to see Joe Paterno get off the bus and do this dance.
6. Penn State: Yeah, the QB situation is that bad. Even Penn State's much regarded freshman QB still needs some work, and that is not good for the Nittany Lions who need a dynamic signal caller to fill for Clark. The offensive line still hasn't shown it can form a cohesive unit and the talent at the tackle position is questionable. The defense should be fine, but it won't be the superstar unit it was last year and it will cost the Lions some games. Combine that with a road schedule that includes trips to Alabama, Iowa, and Ohio State, and this is a Lions team that could be lucky to be 8-4.
Indiana has spent the last ten years as the team tied to the back bumper of the Big Ten and forgotten. Not anymore.
7. Indiana: The Hoosiers had the Big Ten's best passing attack statistically last year and have multiple play makers on offense who can make it even better this year. If Darius Willis can step his game up at RB this offense could be one of the best in the Big Ten. Then there's the defense. The unit isn't completely horrible, with some solid guys filling in for the big name starters who left last year, but there just isn't enough talent on D to expect the Hoosiers to finish much better than 7-5.
This is about how drunk you will have to be to enjoy watching Michigan football next year. The asshole hat is not necessary though, if you are watching the Wolverines it is kind of implied.
8. Michigan: Remember the comments about how bad Indiana's defense will be? Michigan's will be worse. The Wolverines are going to have to blitz like hell to generate any sort of pressure but they already lack so much in coverage anyway that it really doesn't matter what they try to do to defend the pass. You and ten guys could get a hundred yards rushing on the Maize and Blue defense despite a couple of solid linebackers. The rest of the Michigan defense is really that bad. The offense will be good enough to let them try and outscore some of their lesser opponents, but the Wolverines are going to get worn down easily by teams who run the ball decently.
This video is likely the most enjoyable thing that will happen for Purdue fans this season
9. Purdue: This is the second year in a row that the Boilermakers suffer huge personnel losses. Yeah, last year's team was in a lot of games and they did upset Ohio State. What gets lost from all that is the fact that they had a QB, Joey Elliot, who had been in the system for four years and was ready groomed to step in and play. They had play makers who were ready to go on defense and a running back who was ready to break out. They lost all of that this year to graduation and injury. Robert Marve is not Joey Elliot, his learning curve is far steeper and it is going to be a much rougher ride with all the losses on a defense that was mediocre at best.
Thus ended the Ron Zook era at Illinois.
10. Illinois: This one was a tough call, since Minnesota is arguably the more talented team. However I think Illinois, with the starters it returns, will have somewhat better defense and I think the Illini will likely beat Minnesota in Champaign. The Illini's new quarterback Nathan Scheelhase might actually be better than whoever starts for Penn State but the offensive line, and the fact that Ron Zook has a habit of pouring gasoline on his teams progress and lighting a match, will keep them out of a bowl game. The schedule is just good enough to keep them out of the Big Ten cellar but another bowl-less season ends the hilarious run that was the Ron Zook era at Illinois.
With Tim Brewster on the ouster the Gopher faithful are going to have to find someone else to blame for why their football team consistently sucks. Why not blame Canada?
11. Minnesota: this was a tough call, but in the end the Gophers schedule is just that rough. South Dakota is the only guaranteed win on the entire schedule, and all of the winnable Big Ten games are on the road. The offense has no real stars and the defense losses almost everybody off a unit that was above average at best. The Gophers are under their third offensive coordinator in as many years and still haven't found anyone to run the ball consistently. They aren't the least talented team, but they are the worst coached and there is not enough talent on either side of the ball to compensate for that.
11. Minnesota: this was a tough call, but in the end the Gophers schedule is just that rough. South Dakota is the only guaranteed win on the entire schedule, and all of the winnable Big Ten games are on the road. The offense has no real stars and the defense losses almost everybody off a unit that was above average at best. The Gophers are under their third offensive coordinator in as many years and still haven't found anyone to run the ball consistently. They aren't the least talented team, but they are the worst coached and there is not enough talent on either side of the ball to compensate for that.
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